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We (I) interrupt our (my) regularly scheduled complaining to allow someone (me) to clamber pudgily onto a Jessica-Simpson-on-Weight-Watchers soapbox.

Know anyone who recently gained about 38ish pounds during her pregnancy? No? Oh. Uh, neither do I.

Yes, so I am back on Weight Watchers (the nursing moms version), a regimen that has always worked for me in the past, mostly for five-to-ten pound losses/maintenance, except for when I started, a dark blip in my history that involved too much late-night-pizza-ordering during sophomore year of college and a heck of a lot more than 10 pounds. (Pizzzzzzzaaaaa.)

Permit me to interrupt myself to note someone who should NEVER get rid of his fat rolls:

Anyway. Since I’m back on the Weight Watchers wagon, I’ve been paying more than a little attention to all the press surrounding Jessica Simpson’s new role as WW spokesperson. And I’m not thrilled with how her successes might come across to people considering using WW to better their health.

Why do I care? Excellent question. Lack of sleep? Baby screaming has addled my sense of injustice? Full-fat ice cream withdrawal? Really, the reasons are countless.

Regardless, these are my three main gripes with ol’ Jess and her spokesperson role.  (These should not be misinterpreted as problems with Jessica herself. She seems harmless enough, I guess, and hey, I admit to watching a few episodes of Newlyweds way back when.)

(What? I was recovering from the Norovirus. And I’m pretty sure it was the only thing on TV that weekend. Yep, definitely. Something wonky with the, er, airwaves? signal thingies? that weekend.)

1. Recently pregnant women are supposed to drop some weight. This is because THEY’RE NO LONGER PREGNANT. This whole Jessica’s-down-40-pounds-in-four-months! thing really needs to be put into perspective. I’m sure she’s worked her butt off to lose a lot of that weight (with the help of her widely publicized personal trainer and probably a personal chef) (FYI I need a personal chef), but hell’s bells, all the magazines reported that her baby girl was nearly 10 pounds. And as someone who has now delivered two children, I can tell you that all that amniotic fluid and placenta aren’t exactly featherweight. You have a baby, you automatically lose some weight. It’s like nature’s little insincere gift before you lose your mind staying up every night for the next three months.

2. Making a new, nursing mother a weight-loss spokesperson is a little misleading. I’m on the Weight Watchers program for nursing mothers right now. Basically, you just get more “points” (your daily allowance of protein/fat/carbs/fiber) to balance the calories and nutrients that are going into producing breast milk. And letmetellyou: Those extra points are heavenly. To put it into perspective, instead of my old 26 points per day, I now get 40. That’s not a bad amount of food. In fact, that’s an I-can-haz-cookies amount of food.

My point here: Of COURSE it’s a heck of a lot easier to lose weight on Weight Watchers when you have 50+% more points than the average non-nursing woman. I wish WW would indicate this in their ads crowing about Jessica’s progress.

Note: I shall now be nursing forever.

3. Pretty much anyone can lose armloads of fat if you’re paying them armloads of money. So, all reports indicate that Jessica is making $4 million for her role as WW spokesperson. I might be going out on a limb here, but I’m fairly certain that a good hunk of the U.S. population would take their chances jumping off bridges and surviving for $4 million, never mind lose some weight.

(Weight Watchers Powers-That-Be: CALL ME.)

There. Done ranting. Good thing, too, since all that ranting made me hungry.       OH, GREAT. From now on? I’m Team Nick Lachey.

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