Tonight finds me conflicted. Anxiety-ridden from the business expansion, nervous from information presented at the recent blogging conference, and all heart-racey from a few aprés-dinner jelly beans (okay, so maybe it was more than a few; a generous handful, we’ll say) (I sense that you can see that I’m lying there, despite the fact that you can’t see me, so we’ll just round up to two generous handfuls and leave it at that) (I’m not sure what you want me from here, but my final offer is three handfuls plus I just pulled the empty bag from the trash so that I could tell you that jelly beans are actually rife with surprising nutrition, things like Vitamin C, A WHOLE 6% YOU SCURVY-TEMPTING DOUBTERS), I’m having rather radical thoughts about this blog.
Up until now, I’ve had what many of you are aware is a…casual schedule. A post here, a week off there, a snack break, maybe a second post in, eh, two weeks, and so on. But The People in the Know (and they are many, all with Twitter streams and Facebook fan pages flowing at breakneck speed) claim again and again that the key to a successful blog is content, then more content, and then just for the sake of content, more content.
These people also post religiously, tweet things like “thanks @GM! driving this Chevy Cruze is amazeballs!” and never mention snack breaks, or if they do the break involves an organic banana that was grown next to a fair-trade coffee plantation where the workers craft single-origin hemp bags in their free time and once in a while Leonardo DiCaprio swings by in his moon-powered hybrid car.
My point here is that I’m obviously doing this blog thing wrong, if indeed I am intent on doing it correctly. I need to post more. I need to talk about trendy things. In fact, according to Anna Viele’s really good post on “traffic building tropes,” I need to get pregnant, have trouble getting pregnant, become depressed, birth a child who has special needs, take much better photographs, or get divorced.
I explained this to Adam recently.
Me: I think we should have a baby
Adam: [chokegasphorrifiedgurgle] What?!?
Me: A baby. A second child. You know. One of those.
Adam: I thought we agreed that Aura was enough.
Adam: Remember? I said “This is finally getting easier, now that she’s older!” and you said “I know, right?” and I said “Right!”
Me: Well, I’m not sure that counts as an official-like decision. Plus I’ve changed my mind. I need to be pregnant.
Adam: Since when?
Me: Since I realized that the best way to drive more traffic to my blog is to be pregnant. I considered asking for a divorce, but there’s so much paperwork involved in that one. And I’m really bad with a camera.
Adam: Wait. You want to have a baby so you can blog about it.
Me: Good. Now you’ve got it.
Adam: That has to be the worst reason to have a baby ever.
Me: I doubt that. This is one crazy world we live in. We’re surrounded by crazies. Why, I bet there’s a crazy somewhere within one mile of this house. Possibly two. If you don’t go by as the crow flies, easily three.
Adam: Prove it. Prove that you are not the most selfish, marketing-crazed imagined-mother-of-two ever.
Me: [runs downstairs, Googles furiously, runs back upstairs] AHA. THE DUGGARS. They only have babies so that they can name more people something that starts with J. They have a kid named Jedediah! And Jinger!
Adam: I’m buying you a new camera tomorrow. [mutters to self] And I’m buying myself a vasectomy.
Me: I HEARD THAT. IT’S LIKE MY BLOG MEANS NOTHING TO YOU.
So. Blog. This one. Work in progress.