Gee, how this blog has suffered as of late. There’s actually a pretty decent reason for the suffering, and I’ll explain in a couple of posts from now, which leaves you all with a lot of breathe to bate, I know. The way I’m leaving you hanging, it’s not all that different from when I used to watch that crap apocalyptic show Jericho starring Skeet Ulrich and then our DVR missed the final episodes and I was overcome with BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE POOR STRANDED APOCALYPTIC PEOPLES, LEAD BY THEIR FEARLESS LEADER NAMED SKEET.
Not that this is any kind of excuse, but I could plead the fact that our weekends have been very busy recently. Not with shopping (like I used to do), or gourmet meals (like I used to eat), or witty adult conversation (like I might have had once no promises). Oh, no. The weekends have been just chock-full of birthday parties. Kid birthday parties. Gymnastics party after dance party after paint-your-own pottery party after Huh! Tony Said He Invited You to His Party, Too? The Invitation Must Have Gotten Lost in the Mail! [furtive smushing-down of top papers in recycling bin] party.
Without further ado:
Everything I Have Learned About Kids’ Birthday Parties But Never Really Wanted to Know
1. Pray as you might, the invitation will never say “Parents, feel free to drop off!” This will make you stomp around a little. Possibly a whole lot.
2. Though you may have bought the birthday girl/boy’s gifts weeks ahead of time, it will never be wrapped by the time you leave. Nor will the card be signed. When it is signed, you realize your daughter is using an apostrophe in place of a comma and the card says Love’ Aura and now you’re going to be late because of a conversation about possessives since I DIDN’T WASTE FOUR YEARS ON THIS ENGLISH DEGREE FOR NOTHING, KID.
3. No matter how many birthday parties you have been to in the same month with the same exact parental set, you will inexplicably wear the same exact stomach-hiding sweater every time. The good news: No one will know about the Belly of Many Jigglish Bits. The bad news: Everyone will think you’re either spectacularly poor or spectacularly bad at laundry.
4. Even if there are 20 million other parents around, you will be the one inevitably stuck talking to Batman and you will be the one hearing his “Where do I live? Oh, I live by THE CAPE. Get it? It’s a joke because I WEAR A CAPE.”
Your kid might be roped in, too, and grimace madly in discomfort. Suffer one, suffer all, I say.
5. You will tell every adult in hearing distance that this time you’re not going to eat the cake. You will then eat the cake. The cake will have a Batman logo iced in black frosting and no one will have the heart to tell you that the black rubbed off on your upper lip and you now bear a frighteningly eerie resemblance to history’s most hated German. Your husband will tell you later at home, in between great big sobs of hysterical laughter.
Anyone care to add anything? I see a Cafepress T-shirt in ALL of our future.
I’ve only been to three little kid birthdays in the past two years, but my daughter turns one in August. I’m wondering how acceptable it would be to serve margaritas to the adults there…
the good news? it gets better! somewhere after first grade you CAN drop them off! It’s allowed and wanted even! The bad news? Nobody to talk to (or drink with) while you commiserate and the kids tear up your house.
My son had a birthday party last weekend that was so explicitly drop off it said, “Drop off time” and “Pick up time” on the invitation. And yet when I went to drop off, some of the other moms were all, “I don’t know if my child could possible handle my leaving them for an hour and a half with cake and plaster statues of Boba Fett to paint.” Meanwhile I was all, “See you later, alligators. Patriots are on. Woot!”
It was great. Great I tell you!
Hahahahahaha thanks for making me laugh at 645 am!
My other half just asked me what i was laughing at. My response? ‘hitler!!’ got a confused frown.
Hilarious x
Dude.
You need to get a new DVR. Because the end of Jericho was epic.
Well. Truthfully, I didn’t see those episodes either. But this past weekend over a slice of birthday cake, Batman told me Skeet kicked some ass in the finale.
Just so you know.
Cake comment. Pure genius. Totally true. And must add, one time I chewed out my kid who was given the Coveted Corner piece and gave it back because she hates cake! I KNOW she hates cake, but I don’t and especially not corner pieces!! Seriously! So for the next few parties I was like “and when you are given a piece of cake, what do you do?” answer ” say thank you” . Yeah that’s right, not for the manner reinforcement either but so she can pass it along to me! After I have finished my own piece of course. Don’t judge me, I would totally pass up the cake for beer if that was an option. Still don’t judge me, what normal adult would not want to drink if being forced to witness an afternoon resembling Lord of the Flies?? ( MY GOD does bearing witness to large gatherings of children not make that book now make sense? Are you listening High School English class exam me?)
This is exactly why I avoid kid parties like the plague. I always make up some reason why we can’t go.
hahahha! BTW- all of the invitations up here say to drop your kids off please!