Something is afoot at the Hallmark store.

I know that fall is technically two weeks away. Yet I find myself already caught up in the paraphernalia of autumn, ready to toss my summer petunias for some nice, hardy pots of mums. I like it when plants are labeled “hardy,” since to me that translates to “You can completely forget about watering or nourishing us and we will thrive! A lot! You will probably even win mum-related awards! Really!”

It doesn’t help my seasonal confusion that stores are bedecked in every Halloween decoration known to man. But fine: Halloween is next month, so I suppose putting out the witches and pumpkins and—thank God—bags of mini Snickers is not entirely unreasonable.

However, I take issue with Christmas in September, and that is precisely what is going on at Hallmark stores. Ornaments everywhere, tossed here and asunder with nary a thought of these last two weeks of summer. The most disturbing thing is that many of the ornaments in question are a bit…off. What do I mean? Well, we’re going to need photographic aids for this. Let’s see. Ah, yes. Here we go.

First of all, many of the ornaments don’t seem as innocent as in days of old. Take Ariel, who is without doubt as high as a kite. Mermaid or human, say what you will, but no one’s pupils become that dilated without a little help. Someone’s been partaking of the Forbidden Seaweed, methinks.

Of course, it doesn’t help that the Hallmark store is rife with enablers.

I ask you: Since when do Barbie’s Friday Night Dates consist of trays heaped with beer mugs? Stick a straw in them all you want: I know a hefeweizen when I see one. (For the record, I blame Barbie’s descent into iniquity on the Bratz dolls. Anyone with half a brain cell knew the kind of influence THEY’D be.)

On the other hand, a life of narcotics does seem to agree with some ornaments.

I daresay this is the best I’ve ever seen Eli Manning look. Then again, it’s not Eli’s fault that I usually take one look at him, immediately associate him with his older brother, and hate him with a passion typically reserved for people who use the word playdate.

Others have not fared so well, though.

I mean, I saw the preview for Prince of Persia. I may have even hit the Back button and watched it 32 more times. And Jake Gyllenhaal didn’t look like this. Which just proves drugs are bad, kids. One day you have abs defined enough to cut steak, the next you look like a tragically slimmed-down version of The Rock.

That being said, Jake looks pretty damn good in comparison to, well, this:

While this may actually be Kristin Stewart’s best hair day yet, Robert Pattinson is just…well. Words cannot describe. Except for maybe HORRIBLE and TERRIFYING and FOREHEAD SEEMS TO BE LACED WITH ODD STITCHES.

Still, most of what I’ve described is merely cosmetic. Yet drug dependence is so much more serious than that. It’s not just reduced muscle tone and enlarged pupils. Oh, no. It’s much, MUCH more than that:

Sigh. Oh, Hallmark. It’s all fun and games, until someone loses a head.