Welcome to the end of October, renowned for one very important thing: candy corn.
[I hear that you can actually buy the stuff year-round, but I choose to ignore this and maybe doubt it a little. I could look down the candy aisle, say, in March, but I need to hold onto what illusions I have. Between the fact that Santa is imaginary (Hannukah Harry, too, of whose existence Adam briefly convinced me for a now semi-legendary month in our early courtship) and recently attained knowledge that the guy from that horrible show White Collar is actually gay (ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE), I need to believe that candy corn can be found only one month of the year. Also, it’s calorie-free and the chewing is good for your metabolism. True story. In Kate World.]
However, candy corn is more than just candy corn. It’s actually one member of that wonderful trifecta known as
To this end, let us briefly examine the trinity. Pay homage, if you will.
Member #1: The Candy Corn
Relationship to other Autumn Mix members: Pivotal; assumes alpha dog role so sorely needed when the mellowcreme starts to feel its oats (see below)
Little-known fact: Melts poorly in cookies, if “melt” means “chemicals inside become really, really visible;” see The Baking Incident of 2000 of Which We Will Not Speak, or: Hey! The Oven’s on Fire!
Member #2: The Indian Corn
Stats: Dual-banded; mimics Member #1 except for bottom stripe
Relationship to other Autumn Mix members: Complementary; the, uh, “chocolate” band introduces additional flavor dimension (Flavor Dimension™)
Little-known fact: Debatably politically incorrect name actually refers to subcontinent Indians, not Native Americans; suckers are HUGE in Bangalore
Member #3: The Mellowcreme Pumpkin
Stats: Unconvincing replica of pumpkin; one bite equals exactly 1,974 tablespoons of sugar
Relationship to other Autumn Mix members: The fun one; seems harmless, yet ingestion of more than five causes severe sugar shock and maybe in a few cases, not sure which, can’t remember, gastrointestinal distress
Little-known fact: NO MORE MELLOWCREME NEVER AGAIN NO ONE SHOULD BE THIS BLOATED SEND HELP