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Just think of the damage I could do with a fake blog post on moisturizer. I mean, we’re talking HUGE.

You know, it’s turning into one of those weeks when I realize I have absolutely nothing interesting to say. I had a brief moment of weakness ( or extreme strength, depending on how glass-half-full you are these days) when I thought, “Hey, I’ll just make something up!” but all I could come up with was a little ditty on how I finally learned how to apply eyeliner correctly and I knew none of you would believe that. Especially those who know me in real life, where I regularly walk around with enormous globs of clear stuff on my front teeth because I can’t even find my lip line when applying lip balm. DAMN YOU, Burt’s Bees and your non-ergonomic tubey things. With all those…caps. And…tubes.

See? I should have made up the story. At least in the story I could have pretended to have stabbed myself in the eye with the liner pencil and been rushed to the hospital. Because I’m thinking you can’t drive if one eye is stabbed. Definitely not with two stabbed eyes. That’s just foolhardy.

Anyway, stabbed eyes require an ambulance. And I could have a devastatingly attractive ambulance driver! Who, so taken with my non-stabbed parts, attempts to whisk me away to an undisclosed, possibly-tropical-but-rife-with-medical-supplies location. Where he will woo me amongst the gauze and antibiotic ointments and hopefully a bunch of relatively sexy eye patches.

However, woo though he may, I will demur, lowering my (bloody? probably bloody, right?) lashes and explaining MY HUSBAND MY DAUGHTER I AM A WOMAN OF SOLID-GOLD VIRTUE. UNLESS YOU HAVE A PEANUT BUTTER BROWNIE IN WHICH CASE WE CAN TALK.

Huh. Off to buy eyeliner. But not one of those gel eyeliners. One of those really, really sharp pencils. With the included sharpener. Just in case it needs to be a wee bit sharper. SHARP GOOD.

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