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In particular, Goofy had a very broad and exceedingly kickable groin region.

Pardon the blogging silence, but we just returned from a last-minute vacation to Disney World. I remain a little fuzzy on how this actually happened, since Adam and I used to swear up and down that we would never take a child of ours to Disney before some good-enough-memory-to-remember-how-much everything-cost age. But then I go ahead and get knocked up and it’s all HEY, DAUGHTER! WE’RE ABOUT TO CHANGE YOUR EXISTENCE AS YOU KNOW IT FOREVER SO HERE’S A TRIP TO BUY OFF OUR GUILT.

disney cinderella castle

I have a few friends who are pretty big fans of Disney (Hi Becca! Hi Dann!), and their glowing reports of the parks gave me hope that Adam and I would like it enough to survive six days there. Well-organized resorts! Fluid bus system! Endless opportunities for family-wide joy!

Six days later, I’d like to report that I am officially missing the Disney Gene. You know, the gene that makes it seem sensible that everyone in the family is wearing matching “Disney or Bust!” t-shirts and  and proceeding commando-style from the Peter Pan ride to Space Mountain while muttering well-informed decisions about how best to use the Disney dining plan once they Park Hopped to Epcot since it was open for Extra Magic Hours that night HELP I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ANY OF YOU ARE SAYING. ALSO, YOUR MATCHING MICKEY EARS SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

epcot giant golf ball spaceship earth

So, for those families still mulling over the wisdom of a trip to Disney World, I present the following checklist. Because if this blog is anything, it is helpful. Like, super helpful. The most helpfulest of all helpful blogs. (Example: PSA! Cadbury Mini Eggs are now in stores! Minus the bags I already ate!)

HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE NOT A DISNEY PERSON

1. When the 1,642nd employee tells you to “Have a magical evening!/Have a magical day!/Have a magical vacation!” you do a quick scan of his/her body for soft, kickable parts. Right after your ears start bleeding.

2. You take one look at the Magic Kingdom’s Main Street, U.S.A. and your first thought is that there is a blatant, glaring absence of bars offering stiff drinks. Non-magical drinks. Big ones.

3. The very mention of a Hidden Mickey makes you form fists.

4. You walk around Epcot and actively resist telling everyone in the World Showcase that you’re pretty sure they’re just faking their accents. Plus all those so-called Germans just look smarmy.

5. Every time you hear Mickey chirp “See ya real soon!” you ask your husband to restrain you from smacking a mouse OH MY GOD HOW DIFFICULT IS IT TO JUST SAY “YOU” STUPID STUPID RODENT

You do not want to know how long we waited in line to get this photo. Oh, wait. You do? Okay, I'm going to go with ETERNITY. TIMES INFINITY.

There are many other items in this list, but I am starting to realize that this post is becoming a bit…hostile. I probably should take a good, long look at myself in the mirror and examine why this is, but for now I’m just going to go ahead and blame it on that Toy Story Midway Mania ride for which we waited eight hours. You should have seen me shoot off Buzz Lightyear’s head.

It was downright magical.

 

 

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