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I’m thinking there’s got to be some kind of taxi service for this sort of thing.

Morning person (n.)

1. individual who unfathomably enjoys rising early in the day

2. individual known for frustratingly sunny behavior and generally cheerful comportment at ungodly hours


How do you people do this, you people with outside-the-home jobs and children other than mine? I mean, it wasn’t like I was sleeping all that late before Aura started kindergarten last week, but I sure wasn’t rolling out of bed at 6:30 a.m. and neither was my kid, since I raised her right and night-owlish like her mom and also I saved on breakfast costs that way, because “early lunch!” was invented for a reason, HEY-O.

The main issue with this early-rising thing? Going to bed at a decent enough hour to get up at the necessary, godawful time. Sure, I realize we’ve only been on this new schedule for a week, but that week of trying is making me irritable and possibly giving me moles, because I am 70% sure that this brown spot of pigmentation on my right cheekbone was not there when I was rising at a more genial hour. Next week, I’m running this by my dermatologist, who rather conveniently or inconveniently has office space next to a psychiatry practice.

Fun fact! When you’re lying in my bed, desperate to fall asleep, the clock at 10:45 p.m.

alarm clock insomnia

looks exactly like the clock at 11:31 p.m.

alarm clock insomnia

AND the clock at 12:19 a.m.!

alarm clock insomnia

I read. I adjust pillows. I try to relax, but still, all I can think of is “Holy hell, it’s only 10:45 and if I stare hard enough I swear there’s light sneaking under the shade from the house across the street where my 85-year-old neighbors are still awake and jolly and not in bed yet THOSE JOLLY ELDERLY BUGGERS.”

Anyway, I am assuming this will get better. Until then, I have made a silent announcement to the rest of the parents at kindergarten drop-off that pre-8:30 a.m. showers and personal hygiene in general are no longer a Sure Thing. As you can tell, I am already the popular mom.

P.S. In other news, Aura loves kindergarten. There are centers and lotsofbooks and mini-apple-pie-making. In fact, she has announced that kindergarten is so cool that it should be called “coolergarten.”

P.P.S. Around 12:31 a.m. last night, I decided that coolergarten is highly marketable. I’m registered-trademarking that sucker. Laugh now, but when you all find yourselves in Barnes & Noble purchasing book after book in the Coolergarten™ Guides to Fun Learning series, YOU’LL REMEMBER.

P.P.P.S. Or maybe it should be Coolergarten™ Fun Guides to Learning. Crap, this is tricky, you guys.

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