As summer sets in, Aura and I are enjoying a rather fancy-free season. Freed from the September–June preschool, etc. schedule, we’ve been sort of meandering, hitting a beach here, an amusement park there, an ice-cream shop or twenty over there. Since it is widely known that I’m allergic to overscheduling (seriously, there are hives involved; BIG ones), this suits me just fine.
What doesn’t sit so well is something I’ve encountered during our recent expeditions, and it is called The Mean World of Playground Graffiti. I never thought I was an out-and-out prude, but I may have to reevaluate. Either that or call the city’s Department of Public Works to request a little scrub-down. Here, let me show you.
It all starts semi-innocently enough. I mean, generations of teenagers have challenged authority. That being said, I myself may have issued such a challenge a little more eloquently. For instance, I would have scrawled “the police” instead of “The Police,” since otherwise it kind of looks like someone is screwing with Sting. But whatever.
Then the first mention of reproductive organs is made and both grammar and decency go all to hell.
Once you get past the fact that we’re talking about a lobster penis, not a “horse penis,” or a “bear penis,” or peni of any other animals larger than a lobster, another thought jumps out at you. Our friend Spencer does not just have a lobster penis—he IS a lobster penis. Which seems like a pretty bad insult, especially when it’s all underlined like that in Sharpie marker. It’s one thing to have genitalia like a crustacean; it’s another thing indeed to BE the genitalia. I know not who Spencer is, yet I pity him.
However, Spencer is not the graffiti artistes’ primary target. Nope. That would be the much maligned Kristen:
I feel for Kristen. Not only is her alleged sexuality pronounced for all the world to see (the arrow helpfully explaining her sapphic tendencies), the one compliment offered is scratched out and refuted. Suddenly, one senses disagreement among the ranks of this particularly nasty little group of homophobic middle-schoolers.
Yet their differences do not get in the way of their constant need to elaborate. In case we still do not understand what Kristen supposedly enjoys in relationships, there is this charming clarification:
By the time I saw this gem, I didn’t know what I would do first if I got my hands on the graffiti culprits. Would I lock them in a room for a day-long seminar on verb-object agreement and words that sound the same but are spelled differently (words that are called GOD HELP ME homophones)? Or would I simply beat their insensitivities out of them with an especially spiny lobster penis, such as Spencer? I still haven’t decided.
One thing I have decided: This has got to stop. I can be fancy-free and laid-back and all that good stuff with the best of ‘em. But then a few days ago Aura pointed to the following and asked, “Why did someone draw an alien on the playground tunnel?”
She’s three. I’m 32. Neither of us needs that drawing to be anything other than an alien. But to be on the safe side I’m so calling the city tomorrow.
Quality. You, not these graffiti artists. Honestly, I’m impressed that their grammar/spelling is THAT good. The stuff I see around here is horrendous.
Also, do lobsters even HAVE penises? So maybe he’s saying that Spencer is NOTHING, because lobster penises are fictional? Like unicorns? Or something?
Hilarious.
The post, not the graffiti.
Although the alien is cool and has really big eyeBALLS.
wait until you see what some kids write on the bathroom doors in elementary school! Aura will get an eyefull especially if she reads early!!
You are just cracking me up here, totally cracking me up!
I’m still trying to process “lobster penis” as graffiti…
Ummm, very creative stinkin’ vandals!
I appreciate your concern for grammar, no matter what the setting – very admirable. I too feel bad for Spencer. Perhaps you can write something pleasant about him the next time you’re there to make up for the lobster penis remark.
Well I think those kids can cross “artists” and “english teachers” off their lists of things they will ever be in their lifetime. I hope the city comes and cleans that mess up.
As badly as I feel for Spencer, that is definitely one of the most creative insults I have ever heard.
Why must middle schoolers insist on being both crude and stupid? I suppose I could handle one or the other, but not both.
Wait a minute… maybe that drawing at the end IS the lobster penis (aka spencer)… ??
Aw, c’mon, New England girl. you know that lobsters have swimmerettes from grabbing onto hot lobster mamas.
Falling off my chair here, laughing at this post, and at foxy’s comment. Much, much more entertaining than fish soup, fer shure.
This is too funny! What happened when you called the city?
Still waiting for a call back and/or some scrubbing. I see a second call in my future, the one that will inspire the Parks and Rec Department to dub me “that woman obsessed with erasing penis drawings.”
It always amuses me when graffiti artists lack proper grammar knowledge. And I’m glad my girls cannot yet read. But it will be a scary day when they can because of things like this. I’m sorry you’ll have to make that call.
And lobster penis? I’m SO going to call my husband that next time he’s being a jerk.
I’s stll trying to figure out what they mean by “Kirsten is a Helen?” Is her name Helen? Is this some sort of slur that I have never once heard?? Do tell!
OMG! keyboard FAIL. ‘I’m still’ not ‘I’s stll.’ Jeeze.
This is hilarious. I recently took my nephews, 7 and 9, to a community park. They only got half way up the rope ladder before I heard one of them proclaim, “This playground isn’t for kids! Someone wrote ‘balls’ on here!”
It’s hard to appear shocked and appalled when you’re giggling, though.