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I could have called her Twerphead, but that would seem…unkind.

Hello! Anyone out there? I’d normally be able to see you, but the combination of blog-gathering dust and the, oh, FIVE HUNDRED FEET OF SNOW outside is cutting down on visibility.

Luckily, there’s nothing better for defrosting a dormant blog than a healthy dose of letting-off-steamishness. Extra luckily, I have just the subject. And her name is Suzy, or it wouldn’t be if I was foolhardy enough to use her real name, which may or may not rhyme with littleshit.

Suzy, Presented in Three Stages

Suzy is a little girl in Aura’s preschool class. Since she was in another classroom last year, Aura only just met her in September, and what a meeting it was. Suzy was pronounced a GREAT GIRL. Also, SO FUN. Also also, VERY FUN TO PLAY WITH.

I examined Suzy and I agreed: She looked like an absolute doll. I watched her run around the school’s front yard with Aura and I got all non-Kate-like mushy. They would be each other’s closest confidante! There would be sleepovers and yearbook co-editorships and eventually weddings, or at least Suzy’s, since Aura would have been locked in her room permanently once she reached pubescence! But still! Videoconferencing!

One day, Aura announced that Suzy was one of her Best Friends. I smiled and said I was glad. Plus I maybe picked up a bridesmaid dress catalog, just, you know, in case.

By December, there seemed to be less talk of Suzy. On the drive home from school, if I asked Aura who she played with, it was only sometimes Suzy. Apparently, Suzy was often busy playing with “the boys,” in the “toy couch area,” thus proving that YES, THEY REALLY DO START THAT YOUNG.

One unseasonably warm afternoon before Christmas, I once again watched the kids running on the front lawn. My eyes narrowed and my heart broke a little as I watched Suzy pair off with another child, Aura halfheartedly chasing her around before giving up entirely.

Then one day Aura announced, “I was lucky today, because Suzy sat next to me at snacktime.”

“No, sweetie,” I replied. “Suzy was lucky to sit next to YOU!”

That night, I repeated the story to Adam. He started drumming his fingers on the counter and glaring at random things. (The poor wall clock. It was fixed with the Icy Stare of Paternal Displeasure. It has never told time the same way again.) (Actually, it hasn’t told time correctly since 2005. However. The look. It was icy.)

“Don’t worry yet,” I said comfortingly. “I’m sure Suzy will come around.”

I think you see where I’m going here. The Suzy situation has not greatly improved with the advent of a new year. To be fair, this does not seem to bother Aura all that much anymore. She plays with the other kids and she amuses herself and she didn’t even appear that offended when explaining that “Suzy was playing with the castle and I tried to play with her but she said no, not now, it was her turn and that she was the only one who gets to play with the princess.”

“Oh, taking turns!” I chirped, diverting her attention with candy and lavish toys or maybe a pony, one can’t be expected to remember every such thing. “Nothing wrong with that! I’m glad you were so patient.”

“ONLY SHE GETS TO PLAY WITH THE PRINCESS?” I roared to Adam that night. “WHO DOES THAT LITTLE NO-GOOD PIECE OF PRESCHOOL BOY-BAIT THINK SHE IS, TALKING TO OUR DAUGHTER THAT WAY?”

He nodded, looking slightly taken aback.

“SO WHAT IF THERE IS ONLY ONE PRINCESS IN THE CASTLE?” I continued at top volume, spitting a little in my indignation. “PLUS. SHE LOOKS MORE LIKE THE PRINCE TYPE, ANYWAY.”

I’m not sure what that last bit was about, but I do know it made crystal-clear maternal sense when I screamed it.

I’ve calmed down a bit since then, and recording my thoughts here has helped immensely. In fact, it’s even given me insight.

Tomorrow? I’m tripping Suzy with my Uggs. There is more than one way to use sheepskin, you know.

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