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How One Child Makes a Christmas List, or: Crap, Guy Fieri Strikes Again

(I hold these truths to be self-evident. Also, extremely expensive.)

1. Approach, rather lackadaisically, the toy catalogs that have recently arrived by the armload. Let the bright purple circling marker dangle loosely from your fingers, as to give the impression that Eh, You May Have Better Things to Do and Are Possibly Above This By Now.

Just make the Santa list

2. Eventually flip pages loudly, murmuring now and then over an especially obnoxious-seeming Lalaloopsy doll or a particularly winsome 122-foot-long Hot Wheels racetrack.

3. When mother encourages you to indicate things Santa might want to bring, place careful checkmarks next to the most improbable items in the catalog, such as a Very Explodey-Looking Chemistry Set or a OMG HELL NO Ant Farm.

ant farm toy catalog

4. Randomly point out how suddenly very desirable a baby toy is, such as a foam bowling set or those really chunky little crayons made for tiny, chubby baby hands.

5. Furrow brow in confusion when mother bursts into tears, then calmly chew a cheese sandwich cracker as she begins her monologue on How Did You Get So Big, It’s Like You Were Only Born Yesterday, I Can’t Believe You’re Fiiiiiive. Consider offering her a tissue, then decide against it. Have another cracker instead.

6. Take a break from catalog browsing. For several days that border on many weeks. Inspire in family general sense of panic over a Santa list. Notice mother getting more wrinkly. Especially in the forehead area. So many…lines.

7. After 1,000th plea for an inkling of a Christmas list, grudgingly reclaim bright purple circling marker and trudge over to catalogs. After a few circles, discover within self a growing, urgent spirit of circling. Cackle wildly. End up with this.

toy catalog christmas list

(HELP EVERYTHING IS CIRCLED I DID THIS TO MYSELF AND WHAT THE HELL IS A RADIO CONTROL GIANT FLYING SHARK)

guy fieri video game

(ALSO: HAHAHA THE GUY FIERI “MINUTE TO WIN IT” VIDEO GAME. FINALLY, A PRESENT IDEA FOR ADAM.)

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